When we talk about grief and loss, most of us think about the death of someone we love. Yet, there are many other experiences that can leave us grieving, and most of us will experience significant losses at different points in our lives. Grief can include any significant life change. Relationship breakdown, pregnancy loss, fertility issues, moving house, and retirement are just some of the losses we can experience and can affect us deeply.
What are grief and loss?
Grief is the emotional, physical and psychological response to losing someone or something important to us. It is our natural response to loss and affects us all differently. It’s important to understand that there is no right or wrong way to grieve, and there is also no set time for how long it should last. Grief is a unique process, and we cannot compare one person’s experience of grief with anyone else’s experience.
Grief isn’t linear either. It doesn’t follow a straight path and it often comes in waves. Some days your grief may feel more manageable, whilst on other days, the pain can feel intense and overwhelming.
Loss, on the other hand, is the experience of having someone or something taken away from us, often with no choice. These losses can leave us with a complicated mixture of emotions, often including sadness, heartbreak, confusion, anger or numbness, and we can feel frightened or alarmed by the intensity of these feelings.
Grief can leave us feeling exhausted, struggling with sleep, and overthinking. We may experience changes in our appetite, nausea, or tightness in different parts of our body. We can feel tearful, anxious, irritable, scared and we may find ourselves becoming forgetful, struggling to concentrate, replaying events over and over or searching for answers that we may never get.
We might also find ourselves questioning our beliefs, our faith, our place in the world, or wondering who we are now that life looks so different from what we had imagined.
A future that looks different
When we lose someone or something important to us, we often withdraw from the world and then find ourselves isolated and deeply lonely. As humans, we have a deep need to feel connected to other people and our relationships help us feel loved, safe and give our life meaning. When these connections break down, it can leave us feeling vulnerable and incredibly unsettled.
Many of us also build our sense of identity around the people, roles and relationships that are important to us. We may identify as a partner, parent, friend, carer or colleague and when these parts of our lives change, we can find ourselves questioning who we are and where we belong.
Loss can also take away the sense of certainty we may have carried about our future. The plans we had made, the expectations that we had, and the life we had imagined may no longer be possible, leaving us feeling helpless, frightened or confused.
In some ways, grief is our response to our minds adapting to a world that no longer looks the way it once did. It is not a sign that there is something wrong with us, just a natural response to losing someone or something that mattered to us.
Over time, and with the right support, many people do find ways to adjust to a different future, rebuild their sense of self and create a life that feels meaningful again.
Living Alongside Grief
Moving forward after a loss isn’t about trying to get over it or forget what has happened. It’s about slowly learning how to live with your grief whilst finding ways to reconnect with life and the people and things that matter to you.
Grief has a way of changing us. It can leave us questioning who we are and at times, it may feel impossible to imagine living without what has been lost. As time moves on, you may notice moments when you are feeling calm, and even joyful, only to be followed by feelings of guilt or shame for experiencing such moments following loss.
Many people find ways to stay connected to what they have lost whilst also making room for what is still important to them. This might be through keeping memories alive, forming new relationships, having meaningful rituals, living by personal values or in finding a renewed sense of purpose.
Whilst loss can change us, it doesn't have to define us. With time, support and self-compassion, many people discover strengths they didn't know they had, rebuild their self-confidence and find a way forward, even when that once felt impossible. Life will never be the same, but it is possible to adapt, find meaning and create a future that still holds hope.
How can counselling help
Counselling offers a space where you can talk openly about your loss, make sense of your thoughts and feelings, and adjust to a life that may look very different from the one you had imagined. Whilst the pain of loss cannot be taken away, you don't have to carry it alone.
