The grief that follows a life changing injury

Grief is often associated with bereavement, yet it isn’t limited to losing someone we love. Loss can come in many different forms and can be very unsettling, but we often underestimate the impact on us. When life changes suddenly or unexpectedly, we can feel confused by the intensity of our emotions, without understanding that what we are experiencing is grief. We can feel disoriented and wonder why we feel so emotional, so unlike ourselves, without realising that we are grieving the life we thought we would have.

When life changes overnight

When my now husband was 23, he had a life changing injury playing rugby. One day he was a fully abled young man, and the next he had lost use of his dominant arm through a freak accident in a rugby scrum. His life changed overnight. We weren’t married at the time, but as a friend, I witnessed the shock and devastation he went through when he was told that he may need to undergo an amputation and that his future would look very different from the one he had imagined.

Grieving the identity he once had

This injury was a profound loss and left him questioning his future. How would he work? What would life look like for a young 20 something with an arm amputation? What would be the affect on his future relationships or parenting? What about all the sports he could no longer do? He went through a turmoil of human emotions - anger, regret, sadness - and “why me” “what if” and “if only” thoughts. People around him just wanted to fix him and make things better. Often they made well intentioned but unhelpful comments, such as “things will get better” and “miracles can happen”. What he really needed was space to feel what he was feeling.

He was grieving the version of himself he thought he would always be: able bodied and capable of anything. This identity had vanished in a moment. For many people, this is where grief becomes stuck. The future feels too painful to imagine, and resentment or hopelessness can take hold.

Finding support and rebuilding confidence

My husband was lucky in that he had a great support network around him, and this made a big difference to his recovery. He did not have his arm amputated and after surgery, he regained some use of his arm. However, he has had to learn to do everything left-handed which is no easy task. He regained his confidence as he discovered sports he could still enjoy, adapted his car so he could drive, relearned his job, and realised that he is still the same loveable person inside.

Moving forward after loss

Living with his disability hasn’t always been easy for him or for us as a couple. There are still moments of frustration, particularly when he finds he can’t do something that he used to do easily. But he has also found new strengths, like swimming front crawl one armed and faster than most people can manage with two arms.

Experiencing any deep loss is incredibly difficult. Some people can manage this process with support from family and friends. Others find speaking to a therapist can help them move from feeling stuck to finding a new sense of purpose. Life will never be the same, but it is possible to find some inner peace and contentment for the future.